lunes, 19 de diciembre de 2016

How poor you poor have to be to get some attention?

I always thought to work on a dissertation about refugees or really poor countries that whole world is helping (but they are poor anyway) instead of writing about FYROM. Not only that unemployment is irrelevant to International development, but also the lack of material (scientific research) of unemployment in the Fyromanian country means that I am just dramatising about something that doesn't exist. It did for me! It meant something to me!
Ok, now try to explain that to the unemployed youth in Macedonia (sorry, meant FYROM) and the rest of the unemployed.
Means, you are not struggling with unemployment but just imagining things (for the western "scholars"). Unless you are dying of hunger and they have journalist writing about that, nagging over and over again, nobody is thinking of doing a thing.

What is being poor, marginalised or in exclusion? Nothing, if you don't have "scholars" writing about that and publishing papers on important sites. What I mean is there is that in international development there is more talking that actually doing something against poverty or in favour of social justice.
How poor should poor have to be to get some attention here? I
The poverty is monopolised by the western media. If you live in Europe, you can never be poor enough to qualify to get a bit of a sympathy from abroad. The irony to be even bigger, there is a inclination to use the poor countries (or unsuccessful) economies as an example. Example of what?
I had a serious lack of background material to support my arguments. All written texts are not to be included in a paper like this one, so many times I had to improvise. As I know my country of origin well, they are few things I agree upon with the fyromanian "scholars". Dare to improvise and suffer later!
In my university library there is not even a single book or anything about FYROM.
Other problem was that I have not been critical enough. i don't know how is that possible (I never agree on anything with anybody), but it is. One thing is not to agree on other people opinion (which you do all the time on Facebook when you attack others) but to critically asses things is a different thing. Its a process of different stages and I have already written about that on my blog in Macedonian. In my desperate try to express myself in a professional manner I have been too scared to think more broadly on my own. I acknowledge, it was my mistake and it hurts to have to hear that. I am working on that still, and maintain a blog to spit out about things that I never dare to say to my professors.
No introduction confused my markers. 😃Fair enough! I was to bored to fallow any rules, I thought as they are obliged to read it anyway, they would not need an introduction to call for their attention. Introduction is just a waste of space, according to my belief. Well, I was wrong!💣💔
I would love to hear another opinion about my dissertation, especially a distinctive FYROM-anian.
Should we choose to work on a subject that we have a lot of written or re-written, re-searched material to get everybody bored because we are not clever enough to produce our own? Just because they get better grades because of the use of sound arguments that everybody is talking about. That is why I am asking a Macedonian intellectual to asses my dissertation.
As I have mentioned in my previous blog posts, sometimes excellence is hard to achieve but still we need to strive for it. I understand it was not good enough and I know that a lot of improvements can be made. I am the one person that can be very hard on myself, but yet some reasonable support would have really made a difference.
And I understand it is not even that bad, but as it's not only about a "certificate" here, I still need better than that.
I am glad I did it for my birth country, Macedonia. If I have not done it, who else? It is the most logical choice, and I always enjoy people writing about their own country. This world would have been a better place if we all take care of the countries we belong to. It is obvious that, but often, we forget to care for those we have close to us. If it was to choose a "poor" country to send a powerful message from, Macedonia is the perfect example.
The problem is that I don't think anybody got any of my messages.
It is sad to see how our efforts go in vain after you complete what you thought to be the revelation of the century, just because you are not African or Asian poor enough for attention. Another solution would be to look for a better university where professionals know or have interest in Western Balkans and understand the undergoing and can support the relevant research topic. As Macedonian Spanish (and therefore European) I consider topics that are to my understanding relevant and people could relate to, trespassing borders. Not to mention the number of times I have been researching a subject beyond my comfort zone and ended up with the desire to help, but been "too white" to qualify for more than just thinking.
Well, I wasn't clever enough and went to be very "original" and now I feel a bit dumb. 💔
Maybe I am just a bad loser. Maybe all of that.

Either way, I consider myself a scholar: I am not scared to share my own opinion, go as far as nobody has gone, make a fool of myself, regret and start all over again.
I will embrace my limitations and laugh at my silly dissertation. I am happy to have done my best (at that moment) and this is just the begging. I am not even nearly done!
I feel dumb... Master of Science with Merits awarded, dumb 😊😉 💓
And I try desperately to forgive my markers by trying to like them more than I do. In fact, I went to the library just a week ago and took one of the books that my dear supervisor wrote about his own country. I just realised that I have been wrong about him all this time. He is a thoughtful and compassionate, and above all just as rebel as I am. Reading his book I like the fact that he rebels and talks openly against his country leaders. I was thinking - he won't get through the border next time he tries to enter the country. In a conversation he already pointed out to me that it has been years since he has been in his country of origin. I might be wrong, but after I read the first pages of his book and started google-ing things I realised that he is going against a dictator that arbitrarily kills and arrests people in his own country to maintain himself in power.
Even if we are far to care about our own lives, I would be still scared to fight them, when all my family is domed to live the country we left.
Not only that I understand and "love" my marker more with every page, but I ma learning a brand new things about one of the poorest countries on earth.
At the end of the day, we can never be as clever as others are. Over time we tend to lose the sense of shame and fear what other may say about the way we think.
This world would be such a better place to live if we start caring more about our own countries than we worry about others.
p.s. Soon to make available all my essays and dissertation for free download. Keep your eyes peeled for more!
Here are the first two I wrote in 2014, with mistakes included👅😜. Enjoy! Leave me your comments here. I will be happy to read them. Slowly, more to appear in coming mouth.

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